Almost Lover
by Angeling
Summary: Written to the song Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. Everything Nana wanted to say to Ren but didn't have a chance to before tragedy struck.


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Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be

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_Was it just my illusion?_

Like the lotus flower which only bloomed in the night, you appeared to me in the bleakest time of my life. The lotus flower whose beauty grows out of mud and muck, you were my inspiration and for better or worse, made me what I am today.

What did we have between us? Besides our love for music and my lock around your neck? I asked myself that question repeatedly after you left for Tokyo. I had no answers. Though it was music which brought us together, ironically, it was also music which tore us apart. Perhaps it was that our love was never strong enough. I could never feel the unwavering love and loyalty from you that I felt from my fans. And I was too scared to put myself on the line.

_You never shared __that desperate love I felt for you._

It's only now that I realize that I was wrong. We both showed our desperation in different ways. I always had to win, to make you recognize my independence. To let you know that even without you, I will carry on living just as well. You had no choice but to put on a strong front too. Our childhood had taught us to never appear vulnerable to anyone. No one is to be trusted not to betray us - even if we love that person more than anything else in the world.

Because of that we both chose music. We had talent. That could never be taken away from us. Music could never betray us. But it did, music betrayed me the night you joined Trapnest and began writing music for a singer that was not me. I could never trust you again.

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So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring my heartache

Almost lovers always do

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_You are the weakness in me._

I never intended to be with you again. The night I watched you perform on stage for the first time in Tokyo, my heart shattered all over again. You had fulfilled your dream. I had lost so utterly, so completely. I had never doubted that you will shine but your success simply made me doubt myself. Do I have what it takes to propel myself to the same level as Reira? If I succeed, would you never look at anyone else again?

"I missed you." Those three words from you were all it took for me to fall back into your arms. I hated myself for it. Hated that I did not have the strength to unlock the remaining symbol of the past we had together. I should have completely severed our relationship then. Losing you then would be easier than losing you forever now.

_Ren, I miss you._

I never said those three words back to you that night we reunited. I had foolishly believed that I needed to hold the upper hand in this relationship. Believed that pride was all I had left of myself. I clung to that belief because I was afraid to be betrayed by you again – that is the coward that I am. Looking back, I realized in those words you showed the courage I tried so hard to portray with the flippant way I treated our relationship in front of you. That night was the only honest exchange of emotions we ever had.

Humans are fragile creatures; constantly needing to be validated and needed. We were both blinded by our insecurities we could not see what was so apparent to Yasu, Hachi, Shin and everyone else around us. We lacked faith in ourselves that we could make it work. In spite of all the mistakes we made, and the chances we had, we never realized that we were all that both of us needed.

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I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

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_We will always have regrets between us._

If I had called out to you to stay that night so many years ago, would you have remained behind for my sake? If you had, would we have avoided this tragedy? I guess these questions will remain unanswered. Just like the affirmation of this love that we had.

_Aishiteru, Ren. Why didn't you take me with you?_

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Did I make it that

Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?

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End file.
